Wise Choices: Ricky shares his story

For selectability consumer Ricky – who has a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder (BPD) and is a suicide attempt survivor – participating in group program Wise Choices has helped him make significant progress on his recovery journey.

With an aim of reducing stigma while highlighting the benefits of Wise Choices, Ricky is speaking up, sharing his story in hope of encouraging others to seek help.

This is his story…

In 2014, aged 21 Ricky received a formal diagnosis of BPD but it was something that he now recognises he had been living with for quite some time.

“At about nine I started feeling suicidal and suicidal ideation started creeping in, 'said Ricky.

“It was quite young to be living with those ideas and I wasn’t quite sure what was happening at the time.'

Some of the hardest moments on his recovery journey have revolved around shaking off the notion “I’d rather be dead”.

“Things do just get too intense, and it really feels like my brain wants to kill me – suicidal thoughts linger, they go up and down (sometimes more than others).

“I’ve lost count of how many suicide attempts I’ve had."

Needing a formal diagnosis to take part in series one of Wise Choices Ricky sat in a room with two mental health clinicians who asked him questions for almost three hours.

“Getting that diagnosis was quite draining, but it was helpful to put a name to the issues I had been having. Although I was a little apprehensive because of the stigma around it.

“The diagnosis also revealed some of my more prominent traits – including dependency, avoidance and paranoia.”

BPD can present differently for those diagnosed and for Ricky it has been quite a journey.

“It is a lot of effort; I’ve noticed that I’ve needed a lot of extra guidance throughout my life. It effects so many parts of my life and it also effects those around me.

“For me it feels almost like I have a faulty brain, like it just doesn’t work properly."

Some of the ways in which BPD presents for Ricky include self-destruction, suicidal ideation and behaviours, impulsivity, numbing the pain with edginess and the intense need for someone to be there.

“I have to work very hard to catch myself on some of my brain’s default pathways, in order to alter my thoughts and therefore my behaviours.

“At times it can feel like a never-ending battle with myself, and if I don’t have the energy to change it, I can feel extremely trapped within a lonely, yet intense but contradictory world inside my head.

“Sometimes I’ll know what I’m doing isn’t logical, but I feel a bit powerless to change in that moment – the emotion is just too strong.”

Working to build and establish a sense of self has also been quite difficult for Ricky who has gone through gender reassignment.

“It’s hard to get a strong sense of who I am when feelings and emotions get in the way of how I would like to behave. And often I find myself worried to get close to others out of fear.

“I do believe if I had had more a stronger sense of identity some of the other things were not so prominent in my life, I may have realised this a bit earlier.".

Ricky first joined Wise Choices in 2014 and then again in 2021 with selectability. The program, which is run over ten sessions, is based on acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) for those living with BPD or emotional dysregulation.

“I found the Wise Choices group program challenging, tense, awkward, helpful, anxiety provoking and overall, just a positive experience.

“Both times I did the group I got something different from it and it has taught me new ways to deal with the issues that I had.

“And from watching the group it seemed that the other participants did as well, I noticed a big difference in both groups from the start to finish."

Although Ricky is honest that, at times, he found some of the questions that the program raised a little frustrating but they helped him explore parts of himself he hadn’t previously.

“It helped me get to know who I was, what my values are and some tools to help me along the road to living a life which is a bit closer to my values and how I would like to live my life.

“Having a safe place to share this in front of others and also hearing what others had to say, I think it was a very special thing which definitely took some getting used to.

“Wise Choices has a good balance of easing people into it while also dropping you into the deep end.

“I find myself know self-reflecting and being more aware of how I work internally. It was also really great to have people there with the same diagnosis as me, it helped me feel not so alone and weird and see that there is other people going through a similar thing."

Wise Choices – a specialised borderline personality disorder (BPD) – evidence-based program based on acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) for those living with BPD or emotional dysregulation.

Previously run by other organisations on a fee-for-service model, selectability offers the structured program for free (eligibility requirements apply).

For more information contact 4781 2600.